WOW ! . . . . . . EXCITING ! . . . . . . A GREAT BUY !
© Copyright 2007 by Douglas Perron
Hey guys and gals! Are you tired of doing your civic duty? Overwhelmed with the responsibility of being a patriotic citizen helping to shape the destiny of your own country by voting for candidates who may actually improve America? Feeling guilty about not voting? Want an easy way out? Then, fret no more!
Capitalism, Incorporated, the same wonderful people who have been making your life a never-ending “adventure” to capture the elusive “American Dream” – for decades, ad nauseam – have a (decades-old) time-saver: “De-Re-Air Party Dolls.”
Yes, get yourself a self-serving, political Party Doll and you'll never have to worry about your country's destiny, again! Let your Party Doll control destiny and you'll have more time to bury your head in the TV or the beer bottle. No more concerns about your government's efforts toward health care, Social Security, public education, the environment, foreign policy, starting wars or wasting your tax dollars.
Simply pick the De-Re-Air Party Doll of your choice. They come in two “distinct flavors”: Republican and Democrat. [Though, due to manufacturing defects or self-programming by the Party Doll itself, sometimes you can't tell the difference.] Yes, one of these dolls is sure to match your antiquated, selfish preferences exactly. [If not, too bad. Pick the one most closely resembling you. We are not going to offer other choices. That would disturb our two-party control system.] Then sit back and watch the fun!
The Republican Party Doll:
First in its “mind,” like that of the type of person choosing this doll. It stands for: greed, tradition, power, greed, world domination, control, fear, religion, elitism and greed.
Comes with:
+ A corporate briefcase and a bible in one hand and a loaded rifle in the other.
+ An American flag lapel pin (shiny and distracting).
+ “Madison-Avenue” face and clothing (developed from years of advertising research).
+ A jar of “Image-Upgrade” cream (frequent use makes the Party Doll look good).
+ “Beguiling Routine” (which it uses to distract the public and the media from seeing what the doll is really doing).
+ A miniature “Public Spotlight” – shine the spotlight on the Party Doll and it will perform its “Public Song and Dance,” responding as if TV cameras and citizens were watching.
Hear it say one of the following trite phrases:
.“Fight the evil. Don't let the terrorists win.”
.“Our actions are just...despite the United Nations' objections.”
.“Let's go to war and bring democracy to their country (one bomb at a time).”
.“Cut taxes for the wealthy and the corporations, so we can stimulate the economy. The poor would only spend the money.”
The Party Doll repeats the phrases, over and over again, while the doll smiles widely, shuffles its feet and stares off into space, almost aware of your presence.
Republican Dolls have been programmed to walk in lock-step with other Republican Dolls and to shun Democrat Dolls. But they will respond attentively to Lobbyist Dolls.
Hundreds available. Buy dozens to control your state, condemn opposition, feel righteous.
The Democrat Party Doll:
Fighting to save the citizens and the world from... Well, not really... Yes, fighting to.... Well, at least talking about helping the average citizen with...um, maybe lower taxes, if we can get a balanced budget.... Wait! No, the other party also wants lower taxes. How about: A fairer tax system, with lower taxes for the middle- and lower-income citizens, only? And democracy for everyone...whatever that means. More money for public education, health care and the environment... if we can figure out how to appropriate more money from the budget without touching funds reserved for the military, aid to corporations, war efforts, payments on the national debt and special projects for our districts and states. Oh, darn, that's right, we've all been stealing from the Social Security trust fund for years and now we're going to have that financial problem paying.... Anyway, we stand for democracy and fairness for the average citizen. [Please, lobbyists, not now, I'm trying to sell...]
Comes with:
+ Indecipherable strategy map and public-opinion-poll results in one hand and a corporate briefcase in the other.
+ An American flag lapel pin (shiny and distracting).
+ “Madison-Avenue” face and clothing (developed from years of advertising research).
+ A jar of “Image-Upgrade” cream (frequent use makes the Party Doll look good).
+ “Beguiling Routine” (which it uses to distract the public and the media from seeing what the doll is not doing).
+ A miniature “Public Spotlight”– shine the spotlight on the Party Doll and it will perform its “Public Song and Dance,” responding as if TV cameras and citizens were watching.
Hear it say one of the following trite phrases:
.“The American people are not going to stand for this...according to a public-opinion poll.”
.“What war? I don't recall supporting the level of involvement...my support was only for a counter-action within the confines of the budget.... What budget increase?”
.“What could I do, I'm up for re-election?”
.“We'll win next time.”
The Party Doll repeats the phrases, over and over again, while the doll smiles widely, shuffles its feet and stares off into space, almost aware of your presence.
Democrat Dolls have been programmed to walk in lock-step with other Democrat Dolls and to shun Republican Dolls. But they will respond attentively to Lobbyist Dolls.
Hundreds available. Buy dozens to try to get some sort of majority control and people-oriented strategy going. But be careful, they get confused easily.
The Lobbyist Doll:
You should also purchase a PAC(k) of Lobbyist Dolls. Most Party Dolls won't function without the Lobbyist Dolls spurring them in a particular direction. But due to the manufacturing and programming processes, we're not sure which Lobbyist-Doll industry type will make your De-Re-Air Party Doll function. So buy several. The more Lobbyist Dolls, the more fun you'll have watching your Party Doll being guided and helped along a specific industry path (for the “good of America”)!
Lobbyist Dolls are available in the following industry types (@ the benefits-seeking levels shown $):
- Military/War (facetiously known as “Defense” Contractors) @ $10,000,000,000
- Oil (aka “The Lifeblood of the Country” monopoly) @ $8,000,000,000
- Pharmaceuticals/Optional Drugs and Health Care (for the fortunate) @ $6,000,000,000
- Auto/Transportation (works in conjunction with Oil monopoly) @ $5,000,000,000
- Media (The “Real” Voice of America – or so we want to believe.) @ $4,000,000,000
- Software (“Americans like to be programmed” MS monopoly) @ $4,000,000,000
- Communications (and indirectly, the FBI and the NSA) @ $3,000,000,000
- Foreign-Government (disguised as “Charity” Lobby – shalom) @ $3,000,000,000
+ Senior-Citizen (ready to kick any young butt who touches Social Security) @ $1,000,000
+ Environmental (optional. Let your grandchildren worry about it.) @ $10,000
+ Social-Services (for those who obviously don't deserve prosperity) @ $10,000
+ Public Education (reedin, ritin, math. Tryin fer 50tieth place or so.) @ $10,000
Each Lobbyist Doll strives to get the desired benefits amount (for its industry) from every Party Doll, during each session. Comes with an extra-large bankroll for accomplishing its “mission” and industry-logo stickers with which it tries to “claim” every Party Doll it sees.
The Capitolium:
Don't forget to buy “The Capitolium” – the bright white, majestic, awe-inspiring, fun-house arena (for figurative bull fighting) where Party Dolls and Lobbyist Dolls skitter about, banging into each other, dozens of voices going at once. It's a scream! You won't understand the cacophony, but you'll hoot and holler when the “working” light comes on and a proclamation dings out of the side through the “wisdom-output” (GIGO) slot.
Reading the proclamations can be so much fun! But don't worry, you won't have to understand them. There is nothing you have to do. Your Party Doll is on the job, looking out for your interests (as long as they are the same as his/hers).
Get those stacks of one-billion-dollar bills and lots and lots of foreign money ready, because Capitolium expends approximately 2.7 trillion dollars per year! And it defaults to a budget value of negative 400 billion dollars, right out of the box. Amazingly, it will operate for years in this condition! Just keep feeding money in, no need to ever stop (as long as China keeps lending it –thank you China). That kind of value you just can't put a price tag on. We couldn't possibly tell you what the government process is worth (and we don't really care, as long as we make money). But it really, really works! Look inside. The money is gone! Look around. Nothing has improved. Amazing!
Don't Delay!! Order Now!! You want to Buy, Buy, Buy (it's the American way)!!
De-Re-Air Party Dolls are ten million dollars each. [Both Party Doll “flavors” cost the same and have the same “value.” ]
Lobbyist Dolls are one million dollars for a PAC(k) of ten. What a value! [Sold only in groups of ten, so they can swarm around your Party Doll, prodding and pushing it, while keeping other Lobbyist Dolls away.]
The Capitolium: with “working” light, money-input slot, “wisdom-output” slot, miniature gold-fringed American flag and a year's supply of proclamations (100 “nationalistic” and 900 “pork”) for only one billion dollars.
Send U. S. currency only (– still good, until our national bankruptcy is brought about) to:
Capitalism, Incorporated
123 Easy Profit Avenue
Destitute, U.S. (chapter) 7-11-13
Or “max-out” your credit card (you're used to spending money you don't have) by calling:
I-LUV-SPENDING-MYSELF-INTO-DEBT
Capitalism, Incorporated is generously donating 0.000000001 percent of each sale to the federal government, in lieu of the corporate taxes we don't pay (because of loopholes and our savvy lawyers). Order as much as your little consumer-heart desires, so we can help Uncle Sam with the nine-trillion-dollar national debt he owes (but charged to you…and your children and your grandchildren and your great-grandchildren, etc.).
Dolls are randomly programmed for two-to-sixty (?) years of self-serving operation.
Batteries are sold separately (because energy is expensive and you can’t play the game if you don’t have the money).
Also available:
> Presidential-Aspiration Software Upgrade for only 300 million dollars. See the Election-Campaign Fund-Raising Instructions inside the How-To Strategy Manual for details on how to buy the presidency. [Only works with Party Dolls that have heads significantly larger than normal and possess an affinity for money.]
> How-To Strategy Manuals, in Republican and Democratic versions, for only ten million dollars each. Not required, but recommended if you have an aggressive Party Doll. [985 pages, written in “Congress-speak.” Sorry, English translations are not available.]
> New Party Dolls will be available on a very infrequent basis. [So use your “Image-Upgrade” cream to make your dolls seem like they are modern and functional. It really works! We have been doing it for decades.]
All sales are final. [ We want to keep the money.]
No returns or exchanges. [ You choose them. You're stuck with them. Enjoy!]
This page: “www.douglasperron.com/De-Re-Air_PartyDolls.html”.
Updated November 15, 2007. by Douglas Perron.