Cow-a-Bummer Global Warning!

© Copyright 2007 by Douglas Perron

Cattle will be the destruction of the human race! Over a billion of these half-ton, waste-producing, global-warming behemoths overrunning the earth, fouling the water, air and land.

When we think of global warming, we think of internal-combustion engines, factories and fossil-fuel-burning power plants as the causes. While these are still major contributors to global warming, apparently, the cow is one of the most troubling sources. By burping (from both ends), cattle (plural of cow) are contributing significant amounts of pollution to the atmosphere...and the ground (by other means)...and the water (by way of the ground).

Livestock production (including those pesky sheep and pigs) is estimated to be responsible for nine percent of all CO² (carbon dioxide), 37 percent of all methane gas and a whopping 65 percent of nitrous oxides released into the air every year (according to the United Nations' Food and Agricultural Organization (FAO)! In addition, livestock add billions of tons of sewage to the land and water every year, much of it leaching into our water supplies!

And the herds just keep growing: 1.3 billion cattle worldwide! (The U.S. has over 100 million of that total.) Grazing takes 26 percent of the Earth's terrestrial (land) surface! And crop production to feed livestock requires one-third of all arable land!

I knew it! I never did like them. A cow always has a snotty nose, does “its business” wherever it pleases, moos and chews all the time, and has an intelligence level only slightly higher than a cow pie. Now we find out they are trying to kill the entire human race by global warming! That's it. I am going to “have a cow”!

Did you meat-eaters and milk-drinkers know that you are promoting global warming (and the destruction of the human race)? It's not too late to change. Let's save the earth and the human race by:

> switching to soy milk (from dairy),

> reducing consumption of meat ( U.S. meat production reached an all-time high in 2006 according to the USDA: 47.7 billion pounds.) [meat is bad for your colon and heart]

> declaring “open season” on cattle. (“Cow tipping” is not enough, Jethro.) Hunters: load up. Just this one time. We'll have a gigantic barbecue afterwards,

> using more drastic methods for places like India, with its sacred tolerance of cattle: 400 million or almost one-third of all cattle worldwide! And don't expect any help from the locals. Other major objectives include: Africa, (200 million cattle), Brazil (150 million cattle), China (150 million cattle) and Europe (130 million cattle),

> appealing to the defense contractors for an “anti-cow” bomb, which kills subfamily “Bovinae,” genus “Bos,” all species. Although, for expediency, the government will accept collateral damage (as usual). And since we won't need the ranches, equipment or barns, government spec. 17-42-06-666, part “A” authorizes inclusion of said items in the collateral damage mil-op-spec.,

> “Special Exception” permits will be granted for farmers producing a limited quantity of dairy products for those stubborn people who refuse to switch to soy-milk products, and for those wanting “real” ice cream. However, overweight people will be required to give up all “cow and steer products.” You'll begin to love rice cream. It's similar to ice cream, with less fat and no cow stuff.

An alternative to the “cow-o-cide” – especially while we await development of the “anti-cow” bomb – is the extensive use of anti-gas products. Bovine owners: For the sake of the planet and the children – don't neglect the future health of our cute little children and grandchildren – purchase anti-gas products and mix them in with your cattle feed or spread them over grassy fields.

Note to the American Congress and The United Nations: Start scheduling air drops of anti-gas products for India, Africa, Texas and other places so cattle-dense and big that a ground campaign would take forever. I suggest the immediate formation of the International Cow Exhaust-abaters Concerned Aviators Program (also known as “ICECAP”) to be composed of all those crop-duster pilots who are concerned about the health of our environment (because they are finally feeling guilty). Take to the skies and Bean-O-fy these rude windbreakers before they can melt the polar icecaps.

Note to meat eaters: Make an effort to improve the environment, if not your health. Stop eating bovine meat. Switch to chicken and turkey (while you can – before they are targeted). They don't “break wind” near as much (although, you don't want to live downwind from a chicken ranch!). Or switch to fish. At least we have no scientific studies that show they are contributing to greenhouse gases. Except when they die on the beach, then they put off very stinky gases. Oh, and I think I read that humans are over-fishing the oceans and that farm-raised fish are contaminated. But, aside from that, fish are healthier. Try tofu. You'll eventually like it.

The only other solution that I can think of is: corks and bottling. This would involve use of very large corks and regularly scheduled degassing procedures into steel-cylinder bottles. I think I don't need to go into details. Unfortunately, this is a labor-intensive (Anyone want the job?) and expensive process. And probably not worth the pseudo-benefits of keeping the cattle. Therefore, eradication is our most positive solution – if you can't live with it, eliminate it.

The time to act is now! Before global warming is irreversible. And since the American government, the oil companies, the internal-combustion engine manufacturers and American drivers don't want to do much of anything to reduce the pollution and global warming caused by burning fossil fuels – the cattle must pay. So forget writing, e-mailing or calling your Congressperson to spend government money on alternative fuels (all the money went to the wars), demand higher MPG standards and enact more stringent regulations on air pollution – a waste of your time and theirs. Let's eliminate the cattle. They produce more greenhouse gases than our cars do – or we want to believe that is so. (Besides, cars are more comfortable than cows. Have you ever tried riding a cow?) Then we can burn as much petroleum as we want. The environment can handle it. We'll still be helping as long as we “Kill a Cow.” Oh, and while we are at it, let's eliminate the billion pigs and hogs (63 million in the U.S.). Then the sheep. Acrylic is just as warm as wool.

Global-warming problem solved.

Next time, I'll develop a solution for world peace.

This page: “www.douglasperron.com/Cowabummer.html”.

Updated November 15, 2007. by Douglas Perron.